So, i want to start writing more and figure that when I'm rambling in written form, this will be my practice =) Seems like a fitting title... I'm Asian and I'm rambling... TA-DA!!!!!
what i truly need to learn is to just ramble w/o thinking of grammar and spelling and all that punctuation!! isn't it called free writing when ur just randomly writing about whatever that's going through uyou mind at the moment? even tho I want to write in free form, i don't want to get caught up in writing in "slang" (ie gonna, wanna, ur...). i have my limits!
I've been having a few drinks and sometimes I feel like the sbest time to write is when my guard has lowered and not so self-critical. isn't that when we're mor ehonest?? i believe it was edgar allen poe who said he did his best writing while drunk. is that why he wrote so well?? wrote all he wanted w/o fear of judgment or criticism??
i cant seem to get away from wanting to correct spelling... but i'll do that right before i publish the post =)
20 min ago i had so much i wanted to write about and wanted to say but now, it's gone... where did it go? i don't know but wish it would come back! please come back... it had to do with me spewing crap about some righteous bs to the bf... that's right, i can't yet get myself to call him my "fiance." why? cuz i got commitment issues and blah, blah, blah... y'know, the usual crap that's down and implanted in our psyche and not to mention that we hate... sucks...
hey, this free writing is pretty good... saying whatever that just comes to mind w/ no preplanned sense of of anything... moment to moment... that is pretty freeing! i heard that freewriting can sometimes unlock doors that we didn't know were even there... do i care to thread along those lines? HELL, YEAH!!!! hahahaha!! i want to know what truths lies under the surface. the truths that maybe my mind has hidden in order to protect itself--self-preservation. im excited with a tinge of nervous. but more excited and would rather know than be ignorant and blind to the REAL person that is in me!! i know, be careful what i wish for blah, blah, blah...
edgar allen poe has said that the most honest people in the world are kids and drunkards... so true!! i would drink more if it didn't affect my caloric intake so much hahahaha! nothing is wrong w/ wanting to come to terms to who i am! and if i need to drink to get there, why not?? im not operating a vehicle, im not going to work drunk, nobody's being put in harm's way... only think would be that my liver would have to filter the alcohol and other than that, i'd be able to dig down deep inside myself and pull all the fake covering s off and expose my true and real self.! i want to know me!! i want to know the REAL me!!! not just the superficial semi-controlled me. i want to see it all... i want to see my weaknesses, i don't want to push down innate personality traits just because of society rule. i am not afraid to see who i am!!! i want to know who i am!! and i want to love me for who i am... i don't want to lie to myself, i don't want to sugar crap, i want the raw self that is me...
i am selfish, i am self-righetous, i'm apparently controlling, i am hurt, i am disappointed, i am angrey, i am afraid...
and it is absolutely okay to be all these things... it does not make me a bad person... it makes me, me... and i love me more than i don't. i value myself in certain ways and don't in others--which disappoints me... i want to feel deserving in ALL aspects of life!!! we get this life and can't say for sure where we'll go, so i want to make this count!!! i don't want to leave some mundane, mediocre life with just enought to get by!!! I WANT EVERYTHING I WANT!!!! don't i deserve it!!! HELL, YES!!! i want everything that i want, hope, and dream of!!! i know how the saying goes of being careful what we wish for... i will accept those curses that come along w/ "success" cuz no matter what, there will definitely be unpleasant moments so i might as well take 'em as they come along w/ all the grandiose thing in life!!! as long as i have my full and complete health, of course. things $$ cannot buy--health and time and love...
lately i've been feeling afraid... feeling the evil hands of fear... stopping me from doing that which i want to do and accomplish in life... i hate fear... i want to have the courage to act in spite of it!!! i want to be able to act because i feel that fear... i want to be strong, i want to teach sophia that ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in life is truly possible. i want her to have which i have not ever had! i want her to be the person that helps rahter than hurts, the person that contributes rather than take, the person that can act right rather than be popular, the person who would rather be outside the box because everybody on the inside just wants to fit in. but on the other side of all this, i don't want to pressure her into anything. am i being too sensitive? am i overreacting? am i harming? am i unintentionally putting too much on her????
